If you talk during a movie, you will be lit on fire!

So this weekend Girlfriend (who shall remain nameless when I talk about her for privacy reasons) and I went out to the movies as part of our little date thing we had going on. We went to see 4 Christmases, "A good start to the holiday season" - Jason Di Rosso, Movie Time, ABC Radio National. Well first off, the movie sucked, and I should have consulted Rotten Tomatoes before we went because they were spot on!

Anywho, it wasn't the movie that bothered me because I've seen shitty movies in the movie theaters before. It was the fucking people that really aggravate me. I'll paint the picture for you ok?

Girlfriend and I walk into a semi-packed movie theater and walk across the sea of shitheads to the far end of the theater. We grab two seats in the 2nd row, at the end of the row because I don't like people sitting next to me (if we are by ourselves). Now, some of you may be saying "Sir, you are just being inconsiderate" and you're right, I am. However, I am a man with a large frame. Anyone who knows me knows this. I've been on to many flights, to many sporting events, to many shows, to many movies where I've sat down and some complete stranger comes in and invades my personal space. I'm not talking about fat people either, I'm talking about the assholes who feel its their elbow's right to rape the arm rest, or the person who can't stop fumbling around in their seat, or the person who keeps telling their kid not to watch the movie THAT YOU FUCKING BROUGHT HIM/HER TO (This may be a different post though).

So anyways, Girlfriend and I are sitting there, just people watching waiting for the movie to start. An older couple (maybe in their late-40s/early-50s) sit in the row in front of us, the two chairs in front of us and his wife is talking annoyingly loud. Right now, I'm ok with it because its just the commercials (yeah, fucking commercials at the movies, how pathetic is that?) and no one cares about the commercials.

So the previews start and I'm a fan of the previews, as I know Girlfriend is as well. This fucking woman keeps talking to her husband in a pretty loud voice. Girlfriend gets pissed off and tells them to shut up, but being the nice guy I am, I say 'Hey, let's give them a chance, maybe they didn't realize the previews are on', but alas, it was not to be. She continued her verbal diharreah throughout one preview, to which Girlfriend loudly told her to shut her fucking trap, and they complied.

I'm so proud of her :)

But it isn't about Girlfriend's tendancies. So the movie starts and the theater is starting to fill up with a bunch of teeny-boppers and Eminem wannabes (I guess its our fault for going to an 8 o'clock movie right?). Well during the movie, there were solid patches of degenerates in the rows of seats on the floor that wouldn't shut the fuck up. Someone actually told the kids to shut it, but of course, they didn't listen.

Which brings me to this conclusion:

People pay good money to watch a movie, not listen to shitheads talk about what Jilly Slutface and Billy Douchebag did during lunch period today. No one gives a shit who you're talking to you on your fucking Blackberry of iPhone. Keep the cell phones down and shut the fuck up.

From now on, I believe every movie theater should employ someone for these certain crowd control purposes. Now, in the old days, ushers would walk around with flashlights asking people to be quiet, but this is the new millenium man. Kids these days aren't scared of flashlights! We need to take it up a notch.

This new crowd contorl employee should be equipped with a state of the art flamethrower. His or her objective is to make sure people are quiet and people stay quiet. Nothing says shut the fuck up like watching someone's face melt to the floor. Pull your cell phone out? Face melted. Talk once the lights go down loud enough that I CANT HEAR THE FUCKING PREVIEWS? Face melted. Make stupid remarks during the movie, fucking face melted.

It's the perfect solution to all those shitheads that don't know how to keep their fucking trap shut, don't know how to keep their fucking cell phones in their pocket, and don't know how to respect others when they are trying to enjoy themselves.

Think of it like this:

(movie playing)
Billy: Look at my new Blackberry! Isn't it awesome!
Joey: It's super pwnage
Billy: Ya, I can pwn noobz all day



BLAM! FACE IS GONE AND THE MOVIE CAN CONTINUE!

I know this may cause a stir at first, but people will either:

A) Shut the fuck up
B) Look like ice cream in the sun


It's getting hot in here...now shut your fucking mouth